Subscribe
E-Paper
 |
| Photos of Lee Kook-za as a girl in Korea / Courtesy of Lee Kook-za |
By Jung Min-ho
More than 50 years have passed since Lotti was adopted by a couple in Sweden. But she still struggles with a nagging feeling of grief and emptiness in her heart.
"It is a feeling of something that is digging a hole in my heart and a longing that never leaves me in spite of my love to my girls and husband," Lotti, 55, whose Korean name is Lee Kook-za, told The Korea Times. "A feeling of loss and an identity that was taken from me over 50 years ago and an ache of belonging that I hope I will find someday."
According to adoption documents, Lee was found by a passerby in Incheon. How and when it happened is unclear. On Sept. 24, 1965, she was brought to the Sung Kwang Orphanage, where she was given the name and a birthday of Aug. 20, 1964.
One of the few things she remembers is playing with her "big brother," a 17-year-old son of her foster parents, before being adopted in 1970 via the agency Child Placement Service.
"I remember the courtyard where I was playing and running around in and also how the boy carried me on his back," Lee said. "I remember telling my adoptive mother that I wanted my big brother to come for me. I missed him very much and wanted to go back to him.
"I don't know when I was brought to that house and how long I stayed with them … It would be such a joy to meet him and his parents who took care of me."
Lee said her childhood in Sweden was lonely, largely because of her complicated relationship with her Korea-born sister, who was adopted a few years earlier, and adoptive mother, who overtly favored the first daughter. She said her adoptive father was kind, but he worked very hard and was not around much.
Lee was a quick learner. In less than six months, she was able to understand, speak, read and write in Swedish. She said her strong desire to be understood by others helped her learn the language.
Meanwhile, her memories of Korea ― the language, the food and everything else ― faded. But she did not try to keep them, because she was ashamed of who she was as a girl.
"Sometimes I wondered whether my birth mother left me because of the way I was and how I looked," she said. "That made me sad and angry. Now I just want to meet my omma (mom), hold her hand and tell her that I am not angry anymore and how much I miss her."
Things started to turn around for Lee after she got a job and started living independently. At 19, she fell in love with a man who eventually became her husband. The couple was blessed with three beautiful girls. But as she got older, her longing to find her roots became stronger.
So, in 2015, all her family visited Korea, where they searched for her biological parents and the foster family, but to no avail.
Lee was disappointed, but carried on. After months of trying, she found her distant relatives with the help of the DNA-testing company 23andMe. Now she is gathering information from the people and connecting the dots in preparation for her next visit to Korea.
"There is so much more to tell, but most of what is not told is for my omma only," she said. "I hope that we will meet someday."
