Kim Soo-mi is seen during a press conference for KBS2's reality show "Sumi Cabin" in this 2021 file photo. Courtesy of KBS, SKY

The diary of the late actor Kim Soo-mi, which she kept from her 30s into her later years, has been published as a book titled "I Plead to All Things That Kill Me" (direct translation), Thrusday.

Kim, famed for her popular role as a cantankerous single small-town mother in the two-decade-long drama series "Country Diaries" (1980-2002), passed away in October from cardiac arrest at the age of 75.

In the diary, Kim opens up about the inner struggles behind her glamorous public persona, her passion and anxiety for her work and her joys and sorrows towards her family are vividly depicted. This small notebook served as her confidant, with Kim at times expressing gratitude through prayers and, at other times, pouring out her deep pain in messy handwriting.

"I Plead to All Things That Kill Me" by Kim Soo-mi

Kim wrote in her diary, "I am afraid of the impact these entries will have on my family after its publication, but I want to share my life philosophy with those who have contemplated suicide and teenagers."

Her family, who witnessed her suffering in her later years, decided to publish the diary out of sorrow, adding that all proceeds from the book would be donated.

In the months leading up to her death, she had been under immense stress due to a legal battle with the company that used her name to sell food products. Her diary entries from late 2023 reveal her anguish, as she wrote about the constant anxiety and sleepless nights caused by the controversy.

She wrote, "Every day is torture. Since the article was published, I can't eat or sleep without sleeping pills, worrying about what kind of impact it will have," and "The past month has been a nightmare of anxiety and fear. I was so stressed about the company's lawsuit and the possibility of more articles being published," expressing her fear of the negative impact the news coverage would have on her reputation.

At that time, her son Jung Myung-ho, the CEO of Napalkkot F&B, had filed a lawsuit against the executive of the company that sold food products under Kim's name, for embezzlement and fraud, and the executive had threatened to retaliate with their own negative publicity.

The book also reveals that Kim struggled with a panic disorder in her later years. She likened the experience as "food feels like grains of sand," and the "suffocating pain" of panic attacks that no medication could alleviate. She wrote, "Anxiety and fear have made this the most difficult time of my life."

However, her diary also reveals her deep affection for acting and longing for a simple life.

Despite an impressive career spanning over five decades, from her debut in 1971 to her final days, Kim's passion for acting never wavered. In her diary, she wrote, "If I risk my life to shoot, practice, play and endure, there must be some reward" (April 1986), "I did well on yesterday's shooting. With the heart of a debutant, let's run full speed ahead and show them what I'm made of" (January 2004) and "I'm so thirsty for acting" (February 2017).

At 37, she revealed in the diary that she yearned for a simple life, saying, "Instead of fame and fortune, I dream of being a quiet, ordinary mother who can tend to her garden, read good books and wait for her children to come home."

Besides acting, Kim has been a prolific writer, authored nearly 20 books during her lifetime. Her works spanned various genres, including essays like "I Won't Say What I Miss" (1987) and novels such as "I Want to Live When I See You" (1990). She also wrote many cookbooks including "Kim Soo-mi's Jeollado Food Stories" (1998) and "Eat All You Want Without Gaining Weight" (2003).

Her posthumous film "Thunderstruck Cop" will be released next month.