| Han Song-mi, the co-author with Casey Lartigue of the book 'Greenlight to Freedom,' poses with the book. The paperback version of her memoir is scheduled to be released at a book talk, May 14, 2022. Courtesy of Casey Lartigue |
By Han Song-mi
I escaped from North Korea in March 2011. The main reason is that I didn't see a future for myself there. Things have not always been easy in South Korea, however. In late 2019, I had hit a low point in my life. I was having many personal problems and I didn't see a future for myself.
I was looking for something to save myself. I had to find a reason to survive, I had to find a reason to live. I needed to find something meaningful in my life.
I did a lot of reading during that time as I tried to find a direction in my life. If I could find something meaningful despite my problems, then I would not commit suicide.
After thinking about my life and future, I decided that I wanted to learn English. The most delightful time in my life was when I studied English in Canada. I discovered a new world. If I studied English again perhaps I could find a reason to live.
I had heard from a friend about an organization named Freedom Speakers International (it was then Teach North Korean refugees). But she didn't give me any information about it, she suggested that I might want to study English there. She had studied there and she said she had a great experience. The organization gives a lot of support to North Korean refugees.
I searched for the organization on the internet, I found so many articles and videos about them. Was this organization for real? At the top of the search results I saw Casey Lartigue, the co-founder of FSI. I sent him a message right away. I told him, "I'm a North Korean refugee and I want to learn English." I kept messaging him, but he was about to board a plane to the USA. I kept messaging him because I felt so desperate. I felt so relieved when he answered after he arrived in the U.S. and talked me through the application process and encouraged me.
A few weeks later, I visited FSI. It was the beginning of my relationship with the organization. My problems weren't over, during the next year I also had psychological counseling that helped me get over my trauma. After learning English and going through counseling, I was a different person. I felt alive.
The next year, I wrote a book with Casey and FSI published it last year. I hoped in telling my story that others, especially North Korean refugees, who are struggling as I did could be comforted.
I have found meaning in life, I no longer have thoughts about suicide. I am too busy to kill myself! I am now a college student, an author, a public speaker, I have gotten over my psychological trauma from North Korea and I am constantly finding more things that are meaningful.
Such as, one thing that is meaningful to me is cooking North Korean food. I started catering North Korean food when people kept asking me to cook for them.
When I was growing up in North Korea, I often starved. Now I can cook and eat whatever I want. I remember the first time some North Korean friends asked me to cook for them. I didn't think about them paying me because I was happy that they ate the food that I cooked. Cooking is a hobby for me now and I am lucky that it is no longer about basic survival.
I now have many meaningful things in my life. It all started when I started studying English in FSI. Learning English saved my life and made many things possible for me.
Han Song-mi is co-author with Casey Lartigue Jr. of her memoir "Greenlight to Freedom: A North Korean Daughter's Search for Her Mother and Herself." (Freedom Speakers International, 2022).