Kim Kyu-jin, left, poses with her daughter Lani and her partner Kim Sae-yeon during Lani's first birthday party in Seoul in August. Courtesy of Kim Kyu-jin

Kim Kyu-jin, 33, and Kim Sae-yeon, 36, first met each other in January 2019 and wedded that year, twice — once in New York where tourists can register their marriages, and again in Seoul where they live and have relatives and friends.

In August last year, Kyu-jin gave birth to a daughter, Lani. The two are now raising her in Seoul with their two cats. Like any other first-time parent, their days are hectic — juggling the responsibilities of raising a newborn and embarking on a new chapter of their lives — all while discovering a new sense of happiness.

However, they are not a legal couple and Sae-yeon is not Lani's legal guardian, because they are two women from Korea, which still does not recognize same-sex marriages.

In a recent interview with The Korea Times marking the first anniversary of Lani's birth, the couple reflected on their journey from marriage and child-rearing, as well as their recent participation in the marriage equality lawsuit.

Kim Kyu-jin, left, poses with her partner Kim Sae-yeon while pregnant in Paris, France, in 2023. Courtesy of Kim Kyu-jin

From wedding to child-rearing

When the two married five years ago, same-sex marriages, let alone pregnancy, were still an unexplored route in Korea.

Although gay weddings have become more common in Korea nowadays, Kyu-jin could find no information on how much a pair of wedding dresses would cost, for example.

So they paved their own path, arranging an unprecedented wedding ceremony of their own. It took place at an ordinary wedding hall with two brides, surrounded by their celebrating friends, but, unfortunately, without the attendance of the brides' families.

As they settled into their new life, they started considering pregnancy. It occurred to them when Kyu-jin's boss, who she met while working at a multinational company in France, asked her over lunch one day, "You're married? You're going to have a baby, right?"

So Kyu-jin decided to have a baby. She succeeded in artificial insemination with sperm donated from a fertility hospital in Belgium in December 2022, because Korean sperm banks were — and still are — open only to heterosexual married couples with fertility issues.

In June 2023, she unveiled her pregnancy to the media and gave birth to her daughter two months later at a hospital in Seoul where her partner works as an anesthesiologist.

A poster for Wavve's documentary "All Families," featuring Kim Kyu-jin and Kim Sae-yeon / Courtesy of Wavve

Their daughter Lani gave them a chance to mend family bonds between the couple and Kyu-jin's parents, with whom they were “not exactly on good terms” after the wedding. So it came as a surprise that in August this year, Kyu-jin's mother organized a big family gathering to celebrate Lani's first birthday with dozens of relatives.

“Neither my wife Sae-yeon nor I could have ever imagined that we would have our child's birthday party with all of our families like this,” Kyu-jin recalled.

“I also thought that the world would change because my uncles, with whom I rarely had exchanges, came and congratulated me so much without saying anything (about my same-sex marriage). They also asked my wife to take good care of me,” she said.

Making the world a better place for Lani

According to Kyu-jin, societal perceptions of same-sex couples have become positive but laws and systems are lagging behind.

“The neighbors around us are really kind and Lani is growing up with a lot of love. In contrast, I feel that the system is too cold and has many walls,” Kyu-jin said.

“It's always about ‘social consensus,' politicians say, but actually, people have become very open to diversity compared to 10 years ago. Now, it's only politicians who refuse to change,” she said.

They said they believe that the legalization of same-sex marriage is not only a matter of survival for LGBTQ+ people but also an effective way to reverse the country's plummeting birthrate.

"If you want to raise the birthrate, we should really seriously consider legalizing same-sex marriage," Kyu-jin said.

Saying the government would do anything if it could raise the birthrate by 5 percentage points, she said, "Studies show that about 5 percent of a country's population is queer ... it, (in this case, allowing gay people to get married and have babies) would be the least costly option that the government can take in order to make that 5 percentage point impact."

Kim Sae-yeon and Kim Kyu-jin, second and third from left, pose during a press conference for the marriage equality lawsuit in Seoul, Oct. 10. Courtesy of Marriage for All

In May last year, a cross-party group of minor opposition lawmakers proposed a marriage equality bill. The bill failed to pass at the 21st National Assembly and most of the politicians that led the movement failed to secure seats in the 22nd Assembly.

So the two decided to make a substantial change in Korean society before Lani starts elementary school and begins her social journey. Participating in the marriage equality lawsuit was part of that effort.

On Oct. 10, the two and 10 other same-sex couples announced their intention to file a lawsuit against district offices' rejection of their marriage registrations, challenging the constitutionality of the current Civil Code, which excludes same-sex couples from marriage.

“I worry that, in an emergency, I may not be recognized as my daughter's legal guardian. Most of all, I fear that if something happens to my wife, I might lose my daughter, too,” Sae-yeon said during a press conference for the lawsuit.

“When my child grows up a little bit more in a few years and starts to understand the world, I just want her to be able to run around like any other children of her age without such worry and fear.”

As Sae-yeon said, marriage equality is not only a fundamental issue of dignity but also an “urgent matter of livelihood,” according to Yi Ho-rim, an activist at the local civic group Marriage for All.

“Same-sex couples want to marry for similar reasons as everyone else: because they love each other and want to build a shared life together. However, in Korean society, they are denied the protections, dignity and respect that marriage guarantees,” Yi said.

Kyu-jin and Sae-yeon wish that one day, hopefully in the near future, all these struggles become a thing of the past. And they believe that may come true because Korea is a fast-changing, dynamic society that has gone through several big changes in recent decades.

“When we first met my dad before getting married … he suddenly told me that my mom and he shared a surname of the same family origin,” Kyu-jin said, referring to the old Korean tradition of banning marriage between a woman and a man with surnames of the same origin.

“So apparently, my maternal grandfather was very opposed to their marriage. But my father said, 'Who is talking about the same family origin now? Just like that, even though same-sex marriage can be an issue in society now, no one will talk about it after 10 years.' And I think this is really right,” she said.

The head of the legal team representing the 11 couples shares the same belief.

“There were those who said that the abolition of the 'hoju' system would lead to the collapse of family structures, but 20 years later, nothing has happened; in fact, equality within families has been realized. In this regard, the recognition of same-sex marriage feels long overdue,” said Cho Sook-hyun, head of the legal team.

Cho also participated in the 2001 lawsuit for the abolition of the “hoju” system, a patriarchal family system that by law permitted exclusive rights to husbands and sons.

“This lawsuit aims to guarantee the marriage rights of LGBTQ+ people, but it also seeks to realize equality against the backdrop of the discriminatory systems that remain in our family law,” the lawyer said.

Kyu-jin plans to keep fighting for change with her partner because throughout her life, she has experienced massive worldwide change following her efforts.

“Not only do I lack the patience to wait for someone else to make that substantial change for me … I have also witnessed actual changes being made every time I do something. Some of my gay friends tell me they mustered the courage to hold a wedding, while my heterosexual friends say they opened up their eyes on human rights,” she said.

Kim Kyu-jin and Kim Sae-yeon, front row first and second from left, pose with participants and supporters of the marriage equality movement during a march through the city center at the Seoul Queer Culture Festival in Seoul, July 1, 2023. Courtesy of Amnesty International Korea

“Ten years ago, it was only one single gay celebrity couple — Kim Jho Gwang-soo and Dave Kim — who appealed against the district office's rejection of their marriage, but now there are 11 couples from all walks of life who joined the movement,” Kyu-jin said. “After seeing such changes, you can't just sit there and wait.”

Korea may be just “an inch away” from making that change come true, she said, noting that neighboring Thailand signed its marriage equality bill into law in September, with around 40 percent of its population's support.

Similarly, 40 percent of Koreans support the recognition of same-sex marriage according to a 2023 Gallup Korea survey, which is a 15 percentage point increase from 10 years ago.

Like several Korean lesbian couples, Kyu-jin and Sae-yeon have framed their district office's written notice rejecting their marriage.

“Some lesbian couples who have attempted to register their marriage have framed the notice of rejection, because it is a testament to the courage of the two, even if it didn't work out. I really want to take this out and replace it with a notice of approval,” she said.